1a/3

Apparently our little history lesson regarding Fatah was misdirected. The dumb media reported Lebanon's group initially as Fatah and now are reporting it as Fatah Al-Iraqi, not Fatah Al-Intifada. Way to go, CNN.

Fatah Al-Iraqi split from Fatah Al-Intifada last November. Al-Intifada is the 'mainstream' group that the history lesson covered. The Lebanon government's intel told the New York Times that Al-Iraqi is a Sunni-sect, Syrian-based group trying to destabilize Lebanon's government to allow Syrian forces to sweep back in again. No-one asked any Al-Iraqis for some strange reason.

DynaMars boldly asks the begging question: Why in the hell are they named Al-Iraqi if they're for Syria? Its confusing enough that the banned Iraqi Ba'athist party is still alive from Syrian monetary backing, dammit. Its almost as if these groups are trans-nationalist organizations utilizing violence for political means on a global scale.

As with the Israeli offensive into Lebanon, this one is also turning out to be more than a mere show of force exercise. Prepare for the long haul, probably measured in weeks.

Certainly is the beginning of a hot Middle East summer still officially 9 days away (until Memorial day, but the world's calender obviously revolves on USA's holiday schedule).

Installment of 1/3

Bible edited by the Chinese
In a stunning revelation for the Creationists (We're slyly raising an eyebrow in one ex-girlfriend's direction in particular) it turns out that the Chinese language predates Earth's creation by at least 7 years.

In Damadi, a north-western Chinese province, Chinese scripts that date back at least 8,000 years were found. This particular area of archaeological importance was found in 1980 but these specific antediluvian runes weren't discovered until now as the carvings and drawings cover more than 15 square kilometers.

Having undergone six semester's worth of training in mandarin Chinese, we can legitimately say the only thing harder than carving them into a stone wall would be existing in a void and carving them into a stone-wall which wasn't created by God yet. Extremely mad props, as the street colloquial says, to these ancestors.

Lebanon Hoedown
Hamas and Fatah, rival Palestinian 'political parties' in a loose-terminology, called a cease-fire at 3pm on Saturday, May 19th. This is their sixth attempt at a cease-fire before some stubborn-headed rapscallion of a myrtar decided to go and blow him (or her) self up.

Fatah, whose name derives from a backwards Arabic acronym for "Palestinian National Liberation Movement" (Life of Brian anyone?) because the forward acronym means "sudden death" (two things: 1. we wish we were creative enough to make this shit up 2. such a name is probably a little too honest, PR in a suicide bombers' organization, no?). After the 1967 six day's war of Israel against the Arabic world Fatah became a prominent political force. In 1970 the group was thrown out of its host-country Jordan to Lebanon. When Israel invaded Lebanon, Fatah become further dispersed across the region, including to such countries as Tunisia, Algeria, Iraq and Yemen. In a word, only the really nice places in Northern Africa. The leadership made its way slowly back into Lebanon over the next three decades, for the obvious strategic reason of being just North of its sworn enemy, Israel.

Anyways, enough of the boring history lesson.

Today, May-20th-today as Middle-eastern time is off from ours (DynaMars secretly suspects its because of the Turrorists' connection to Ali Kadar), Lebanon governmental forces decided to do a sweep and clean of Fatah's headquarters in a refugee camp near Tripoli. Its almost as if they saw that Fatah was going to have its guard down, due to a cease-fire, unsuspecting of attacks... weird! So far over 80 casualties have been reported.

The AP is also showing pictures that had DynaMars first go, "Wait, what? Soviet-era tanks? Did they find these in an Iraqi tank graveyard from the first gulf war?" and then, "Oh, shiznit. Tanks means a committed governmental response. They're serious."


The news is reporting it as, well, an isolated incident really. Just another example of crazy middle-eastern conflict that never ends. They also mentioned that Lebanon attacked Israel earlier, further throwing up a discombobulating smoke screen as to whom is on whose side for the layman. Lucky for the reader, you have DynaMar's precision analyzing of international relations.

A quick word about these 'refugee camps': most are guarded by armed refugees and refuse to let governmental authorities into the camp. The only measure of official authority is that of a literal siege-circle around the area with military roadblocks for individuals headed into and out of the camps.

That being said, it makes perfect sense: Lebanon is worried about these militant groups that have self-autonomy and, as such, have the possibility of leading a populist revolt against the established government of Lebanon, particularly after its recent freedom from being a proxy puppet government of Syria. (Big breath.) Or, simply put, Lebanon is Waco, Texas-ing Fatah's ass.

So if you're in Lebanon, keep your head down if you want it intact. Even though these tanks were designed in 1947, their 100mm primary guns still pack a wallop.

Mebbe its May

It is, it is May!

Thats what you get for not downsizing and shipping off to India. Stupid lazy Americans who want more for less. With their 'standards of living'.

Theory: Perhaps the alternative swings between daily rapt attention and months of ignoring will even out to a mellow weekly average posting. We can only hope so.

The debates have already started. DynaMars has made it a goal not to miss a single presidential debate since 2004. We turned one off in 2004, but that was after we got upset enough at Bush's smirk to throw things at the TV. ) Thanks to our cyber pal, Oval Office, we now know the debate schedule until the primary elections in 2008. Prepare to be amazed at the collective level of our dorkiness:

April 26th: MSNBC, Democratics
May 3rd: MSNBC, Republicans
May 15th: Fox, Republicans
June 28th: PBS, Democratics
Aug. 5th: ABC, Republicans
Aug. 19th: ABC, Democratics
Sept. 6th: Fox, Republicans
Sept. 27th: PBS, Democratics
Oct. 14th: MSNBC, Republicans
Oct. 21st: MSNBC, Democratics
Nov. 2nd: CNN, Democratics
Jan. 15th: ABC, Democratics

Clear our schedule on those days, grab a six-pack and let the rhetorical-drinking games begin!

note: If any employees think about skipping out please be forewarned of the sharpshooters posted on corporation's roof. Upon wakening from the dart's sedative you will be forced to watch them for your edification, Clockwork Orange style.

Republicans have debated already twice for the 2008 presidential election. YOU DECIDE!!1oneeleventyone!, as Fox so subtly placed underneath a spinning 3-D FoxNews logo. Its only a slight exaggeration, as they didn't write-out 'eleventy', but instead used l33t to cater to the young, hip crowd watching said debate.

Hannety was begging the home audience to text in who they thought the winner of the debate was from the beginning of the debate. Apparently they think that the audience watching it isn't already rooting for a particular candidate, politically-savvy, and might have their minds changed by the debate.

Of the Republicans, we'd have to say Mitt Romney looks the best. He's got more hair than Juliani and is more stable in a real-world sense. He was the one to distance himself the most from water-boarding techniques (Juliani got a standing ovation from the audience, who applauded his willingness to torture.) other than, obviously, McCain. McCain just looked senile and grumpy. He was having problems doing math numbers -out of 1 million times only would it work once. So in those 990,000 other times, it wouldn't work.- and repeated the same jokes from the last debate but without the same fluidness. The joke? On spending levels: "One of my constituents is a drunken sailor who said he resented being compared to congress." Huckabee got a better laugh with, "Congress is spending more than Edwards in a beauty salon."

None of the questions were substantial. They could've been broken down into a few categories: 1. abortion 2. terrorists 3. gays. But, if you're trying to paint yourself as the most conservative man in the room to get the most Republican votes for the primary, hell, those are the only categories you need to talk about. Politicians bend backwards for what the people want. If America continues to keep whining about bad politicians, like a simpering dog at the back-door, we're going to have to put down our squirt bottle and get a rolled newspaper.

As of now, Bush is planning for failure as his administration continues to implode with the viciousness of a Red Giant. He created a position of War Czar and appointed Lt. General Douglas Lute to oversee both Iraq and Afghanistan's operations. Mr. President, we searched the constitution and saw this thing saying you are the Commander in Chief, and that the military buck stops at your desk. You get creative points for setting up a scapegoat position but still, dammit, having another person to fire when things go wrong doesn't mean that makes things go better afterwards.

Well, DynaMars' CEO has recently found a newfangled thing called an E-library. It seems you can download "electronic files" of these things called "books" and "read" them at your leisure. And they have really old, precious pillars of literature, such as the 1674 printing of Milton's Paradise Lost which is oh-so-alluringly chanting its Siren Song. So until next time, good night and good luck.